1
00:00:33,344 --> 00:00:36,740
Sorry I'm late, everyone,
I was glued to the footie.

2
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:39,804
With digital you can choose
your own angles.

3
00:00:40,004 --> 00:00:44,150
I've just watched it
in front of Ginola's shorts.

4
00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:49,811
I was glued to the telly as well.
Are you a footie fan, Jim?

5
00:00:50,011 --> 00:00:54,606
No, no, no. I mean I was actually
glued to the telly.

6
00:00:54,806 --> 00:00:59,232
I was trying to build an Airfix
model of the spaceship Enterprise

7
00:00:59,432 --> 00:01:02,162
and I had a bit of spillage.

8
00:01:02,362 --> 00:01:06,355
How did you get unstuck?
Well, I didn't.

9
00:01:09,109 --> 00:01:13,916
Right, let's get started.
First thing on the agenda

10
00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,991
is this year's Christmas show.

11
00:01:17,191 --> 00:01:19,629
Now, as we know last year
was a bit of a disappointment.

12
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:25,412
Your juggling, Owen. No-one's
juggled with live puppies before.

13
00:01:25,612 --> 00:01:28,760
Or since. I only dropped a couple!

14
00:01:30,027 --> 00:01:35,183
We need this year's show to be
a triumph. It is after all the millennium -

15
00:01:35,383 --> 00:01:40,122
2,000 years since Jesus' birth.
Well, we're one step ahead of you.

16
00:01:40,322 --> 00:01:43,187
Over to you, Hugo.

17
00:01:43,387 --> 00:01:49,444
Well, six months ago, the vicar
approached me, Frank and Jim...

18
00:01:49,644 --> 00:01:54,372
..to form a Christmas show
subcommittee

19
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:57,000
to come up with big ideas.

20
00:01:57,248 --> 00:02:01,424
We've been meeting once a fortnight
and we're pretty excited

21
00:02:01,625 --> 00:02:04,285
because just this week
we had a breakthrough.

22
00:02:04,865 --> 00:02:07,023
Ahaa...
And what's that?

23
00:02:07,223 --> 00:02:09,403
We've agreed the date
of the first full meeting.

24
00:02:09,803 --> 00:02:12,159
Right...,
and when that's gonna be then?

25
00:02:12,359 --> 00:02:13,767
February 10th.

26
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,761
Next year? Yes.
2000? Yes.

27
00:02:17,961 --> 00:02:20,535
After Christmas?
....Yes.

28
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,377
Well this is very depressing Hugo,

29
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,460
we want this to be
the best Christmas ever.

30
00:02:24,660 --> 00:02:27,355
And we don't have a show.
-Sorry.

31
00:02:27,555 --> 00:02:29,084
I could juggle with kittens.

32
00:02:30,161 --> 00:02:32,024
They don't mind being dropped.

33
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,285
How do you know?
-Experience...

34
00:02:36,485 --> 00:02:40,146
Moving swiftly on.
-All we need is one of us,

35
00:02:40,446 --> 00:02:44,099
to come up with one idea
for the best Christmas show ever.

36
00:02:44,299 --> 00:02:45,433
By tomorrow.

37
00:02:47,811 --> 00:02:49,435
Mmm..
Yeah..

38
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,522
I've got it.
I've darn well got it!

39
00:02:52,722 --> 00:02:53,900
Well done.

40
00:02:54,013 --> 00:02:58,236
Listen, Christmas is all about
the baby Jesus, isn't it?

41
00:02:58,436 --> 00:03:03,372
Yes, and I warn you to be careful
before you suggest juggling babies.

42
00:03:03,872 --> 00:03:06,528
On second thoughts,
perhaps I haven't got it.

43
00:03:08,014 --> 00:03:13,273
Yes, of course, bishop, our show
will be very, very special indeed.

44
00:03:14,531 --> 00:03:18,661
We haven't decided, but I'm sure
the best idea is round the corner.

45
00:03:19,287 --> 00:03:22,123
Nice to see me, to see me nice!

46
00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:25,508
Spoke too soon on that one.

47
00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:28,289
I'll speak to you
in January, then.

48
00:03:28,489 --> 00:03:30,444
Oh, love to Julio, by the way.

49
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:34,724
And Juan too. Has his nasty
piercing infection cleared up?

50
00:03:35,224 --> 00:03:37,287
OK, bye.

51
00:03:38,297 --> 00:03:40,510
So how's it going,
O' lady of the lump?

52
00:03:40,729 --> 00:03:44,187
Weird. I can feel it moving around.
Ooh!

53
00:03:44,387 --> 00:03:47,590
You've never had anything
moving around inside you, have you?

54
00:03:53,094 --> 00:03:55,534
Not a baby, no.

55
00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:59,669
It's amazing.
It's almost as if it's alive.

56
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,154
But it IS alive, Alice.

57
00:04:03,354 --> 00:04:06,131
Oh, yeah. Oh, brillo!

58
00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:10,595
Do you mind if I just get on?
Got a bit of a Christmas crisis.

59
00:04:10,795 --> 00:04:15,558
I'll just sit here, then.
Get out your way. Get my breath back.

60
00:04:15,758 --> 00:04:18,754
Right, I'll just get my stuff, then.

61
00:04:25,175 --> 00:04:26,740
Can you turn that down a bit?

62
00:04:27,555 --> 00:04:29,128
It's a funny thought, is'n it?

63
00:04:29,328 --> 00:04:33,193
When they're 70, babies like
that one you've got in your tum

64
00:04:33,393 --> 00:04:35,867
will go gooey over music like that.

65
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,473
The same way that we got
sentimental about Abba.

66
00:04:38,673 --> 00:04:41,255
They get all teary eye over
"Smack'n the Bitch up"

67
00:04:42,945 --> 00:04:46,563
Yeah, Abba were a bit
experimental for me.

68
00:04:47,734 --> 00:04:51,880
I like my music more middle
of the road. What would that be?

69
00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:54,410
The Wombles, really.

70
00:04:55,319 --> 00:04:57,025
Right, right.

71
00:04:57,225 --> 00:04:59,405
They were a great band,
weren't they?

72
00:04:59,605 --> 00:05:02,642
 Remember you're a womble. 

73
00:05:02,842 --> 00:05:06,291
Yeah, v, v funky, weren't they?

74
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,711
Funny, you never hear
of them any more, do you?

75
00:05:09,911 --> 00:05:13,064
It's funny that because,
Take That split up and

76
00:05:13,264 --> 00:05:15,940
Robbie Williams and
Gary Barlow kept on making records,

77
00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:17,702
but I mean, what happened
to the Wombles?

78
00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:22,487
You never see Uncle Bulgaria
on Later With Jools Holland.

79
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,657
That's because Uncle Bulgaria
was a man in a suit.

80
00:05:26,857 --> 00:05:28,986
Uncle Bulgaria never wore a suit.

81
00:05:29,186 --> 00:05:33,107
I mean, there was always
a man inside Uncle Bulgaria.

82
00:05:33,307 --> 00:05:35,645
I don't care what he got up to
in private.

83
00:05:39,487 --> 00:05:44,825
Many rock stars are gay. It doesn't
mean he wasn't a great musician.

84
00:05:45,025 --> 00:05:49,051
No, he wasn't a musician at all.
He was just a costume. was'nt he..

85
00:05:49,251 --> 00:05:51,492
Uncle Bulgaria
is in a box somewhere.

86
00:05:51,692 --> 00:05:53,580
Uncle Bulgaria is dead?

87
00:05:54,399 --> 00:05:57,164
Let's finish this conversation
before I stab you to death.

88
00:05:57,968 --> 00:06:00,220
I have got to devise
a brilliant christmas show

89
00:06:00,420 --> 00:06:03,326
something the people of Dibley will
remember for the next 1,000 years.

90
00:06:03,526 --> 00:06:08,166
That's easy! And not Dibley's
"Wombling merry Christmas".

91
00:06:08,366 --> 00:06:10,396
Oh, right. Difficult.

92
00:06:12,392 --> 00:06:15,305
I suppose the Nativity
is the obvious choice.

93
00:06:16,030 --> 00:06:18,471
Well, of course it is, but we need
to give it a twist, don't we?

94
00:06:19,285 --> 00:06:23,174
Well, I suppose you could do it
on an actual farm.

95
00:06:23,374 --> 00:06:25,663
Not a farm, you silly girl!

96
00:06:25,863 --> 00:06:29,254
So the audience can follow the
story, round the farmyard

97
00:06:29,454 --> 00:06:32,351
on a magical moonlit night...

98
00:06:32,837 --> 00:06:35,190
You know,
visit the shepherds in a real field.

99
00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:40,582
Have Mary and Joseph in a stable
with real cows - that sort of thing.

100
00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:44,370
Alice?
-Yeah?

101
00:06:45,890 --> 00:06:49,455
How does it feel to have your first
very good idea indeed?

102
00:06:50,504 --> 00:06:55,381
Great, it feels great. Good.
And here comes some more.

103
00:06:55,581 --> 00:07:00,271
Maybe the wise men can't see Jesus
when they come into the stable

104
00:07:00,571 --> 00:07:03,683
and we'll have to go,
"He's behind you!"

105
00:07:05,649 --> 00:07:06,943
Oh, your taxi's arrived.

106
00:07:07,143 --> 00:07:12,250
Then Jesus can escape from Herod
right up a sort of giant beanstalk.

107
00:07:12,450 --> 00:07:16,258
Oh, it's a spaceship come
to collect you for experiments(!)

108
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:23,499
Enter next hopeful thespian.
Hello, vicar. Hello, Frank.

109
00:07:23,699 --> 00:07:25,878
I'd like to audition
for one of the wise men.

110
00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:29,521
Oh Right, lovley, right..,
well, here's the script.

111
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,884
I'll read in the other
wise men for you, shall I?

112
00:07:33,084 --> 00:07:34,989
All right. Ready?

113
00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:41,307
Here we go. "Lo, behold,
a wondrous star in the East."

114
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,737
"Let us follow it,

115
00:07:45,069 --> 00:07:48,751
"my noble companions."

116
00:07:54,988 --> 00:07:59,295
Right. "Perchance we will encounter
the son of God."

117
00:07:59,495 --> 00:08:04,547
"Then we will worship him."

118
00:08:05,843 --> 00:08:09,339
Interesting interpretation Frank,
but I don't understand the voice.

119
00:08:09,539 --> 00:08:12,784
Well, I was just thinking,
I'm playing a wise man.

120
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:18,818
Now, who's wise? And I thought -
of course, Stephen Hawking!

121
00:08:20,794 --> 00:08:22,299
The voice.

122
00:08:23,417 --> 00:08:25,986
Right..,
right...

123
00:08:26,186 --> 00:08:28,006
"Take this myrrh.

124
00:08:29,870 --> 00:08:32,960
"It's very nice."

125
00:08:33,406 --> 00:08:35,839
Well, I can see you've really
thought about this Frank,

126
00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:37,981
...more's the pity..
Ahm..,

127
00:08:38,388 --> 00:08:40,627
can I call you?
It's very good.

128
00:08:40,827 --> 00:08:42,653
Thank you.

129
00:08:43,153 --> 00:08:46,288
Right, who's next?
-It's Owen.

130
00:08:46,488 --> 00:08:48,297
Excellent, Can you send him in?
-Yes.

131
00:08:58,574 --> 00:09:02,123
Right...
Owen...

132
00:09:05,166 --> 00:09:08,816
A....and you've come
to audition for...?

133
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,230
The king!

134
00:09:13,521 --> 00:09:16,470
Of course - there were three kings
and you are one of them.

135
00:09:16,670 --> 00:09:17,722
That's right.

136
00:09:20,241 --> 00:09:22,659
And will you be giving us an
Elvis impression on the night?

137
00:09:22,859 --> 00:09:25,401
Well.. It would be mad
to dress up as him,

138
00:09:25,601 --> 00:09:28,858
and then not lay down
some serious rock'n'rolling.

139
00:09:30,135 --> 00:09:34,038
 Are you lonesome tonight?

140
00:09:34,238 --> 00:09:38,833
 Do you.. miss me tonight? 

141
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,112
Can I come back to you on it,

142
00:09:40,312 --> 00:09:42,147
I just store that performance
and come back to you?

143
00:09:42,347 --> 00:09:43,577
-Certainly.
Alright..

144
00:09:43,777 --> 00:09:47,062
Would it help...
...if I slept with you?

145
00:09:49,552 --> 00:09:50,552
Pardon?

146
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,458
Well, I've heard
you can get on in acting,

147
00:09:52,658 --> 00:09:54,688
by sleeping with the
director on a couch.

148
00:09:55,516 --> 00:09:58,663
And I for one, would be only
too happy to oblige.

149
00:09:59,604 --> 00:10:02,229
Um...
-no!

150
00:10:02,718 --> 00:10:06,904
Who's next? It's Jim. He's come
as one of the kings as well.

151
00:10:07,104 --> 00:10:09,823
Oh, Right.
I hope it isn't Martin Luther King!

152
00:10:14,617 --> 00:10:16,390
Right.

153
00:10:19,156 --> 00:10:21,068
He says he come back later.

154
00:10:22,811 --> 00:10:27,274
So, how can I help you two?
We'd like to play Mary and Joseph,

155
00:10:27,923 --> 00:10:29,592
with me as Mary.

156
00:10:30,950 --> 00:10:32,552
Oh, God! Oh, good!

157
00:10:33,079 --> 00:10:38,902
Actually, Alice, I was banking
on you for the pivotal role

158
00:10:39,102 --> 00:10:43,000
of woman who sleeps through
the entire thing in another inn.

159
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,931
Oh, that would be nice too,
but I want to play Mary.

160
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:50,652
It's just that,
O'dear, what a chame,

161
00:10:50,852 --> 00:10:53,648
you don't actually fit the
vital requirements, I'm afraid.

162
00:10:53,848 --> 00:10:56,136
For instance,
Joseph was a carpenter

163
00:10:56,336 --> 00:11:00,949
and, I'm afraid,
Hugo just isn't, is he?

164
00:11:04,988 --> 00:11:07,742
Just finished them in evening class.
Right, good.

165
00:11:07,942 --> 00:11:13,244
The crucial thing is they weren't
English. Mary only spoke Hebrew.

166
00:11:20,086 --> 00:11:21,629
Yep, just like that.

167
00:11:23,065 --> 00:11:25,236
Please?
Please?

168
00:11:26,068 --> 00:11:27,164
Look, I'll think about it.

169
00:11:27,364 --> 00:11:30,660
I want to play Mary.
Right, I thought about it,

170
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:32,856
and I think it's an excellent,
perfect idea.

171
00:11:33,350 --> 00:11:38,000
Hurrah! Ooh! See you on the set,
Reverend Spielberg.

172
00:11:38,693 --> 00:11:40,259
Er...Hugo,

173
00:11:40,459 --> 00:11:42,969
you don't think your father
will be willing to act, do you?

174
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:45,972
Absolutely. He was rather hoping
you'd ask him to play God.

175
00:11:48,594 --> 00:11:50,762
Actually, no.
I had another part in mind.

176
00:11:56,337 --> 00:11:57,819
There we are,
that's for you.

177
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,459
Nice try Jim,

178
00:12:00,659 --> 00:12:04,000
but I really don't think one of the
kings wouldn't have been Billie Jean.

179
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:13,653
Now, then,
everyone,

180
00:12:14,218 --> 00:12:16,672
welcome to your first rehearsal.

181
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:21,159
Now, then, let's just
whip around the circle, shall we,

182
00:12:21,359 --> 00:12:23,215
to check which parts we're playing.

183
00:12:23,806 --> 00:12:26,322
For instance,
I am Geraldine. Hi.

184
00:12:26,522 --> 00:12:30,990
I'm your director. I'm also the
announcing angel and the narrator.

185
00:12:32,782 --> 00:12:36,728
I'm Alice. I'm playing Mary.
I'm Hugo. I'm Joseph.

186
00:12:37,446 --> 00:12:39,174
I'm David. I'm...

187
00:12:39,374 --> 00:12:40,438
Herod.

188
00:12:43,939 --> 00:12:45,434
I am Jim.

189
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:52,000
And I, er... No, no, no...
.....no

190
00:12:52,782 --> 00:12:54,313
Good, moving on.

191
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:58,291
I'm Owen.
I'm third shepherd, first king

192
00:12:58,491 --> 00:13:01,951
and it's my farm we're performing
in for a very reasonable rent.

193
00:13:03,026 --> 00:13:05,402
Owen! For free.
-Yes, thank you.

194
00:13:05,602 --> 00:13:08,439
Since this is an experimental play,

195
00:13:08,639 --> 00:13:13,392
I would like to use the rehearsal
methods from Brook's productions.

196
00:13:13,592 --> 00:13:19,127
Brooke Shields? No, Peter Brook
from the Royal Shakespeare Company.

197
00:13:19,327 --> 00:13:22,745
I wouldn't mind being directed
by Brooke Shields!

198
00:13:24,926 --> 00:13:28,018
"This way to the bedroom, Jim."

199
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:30,165
Do shut up, Jim!

200
00:13:30,365 --> 00:13:33,825
"Andre Agassi, get out of that bed,
you lazy sod!

201
00:13:35,775 --> 00:13:37,793
"I've got Jim Trott here."

202
00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:43,134
Can we get on, vicar?
I've got a meeting in April....

203
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,881
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I got carried away.

204
00:13:49,064 --> 00:13:53,408
It's been a very long life with
very little sexual experimentation.

205
00:13:55,274 --> 00:13:59,758
In Brook's classic productions,
there was a lot of improvisation

206
00:13:59,958 --> 00:14:04,326
to enable the actors to explore
the background of their characters.

207
00:14:04,526 --> 00:14:05,800
So let's do a little bit of that,
shall we?

208
00:14:06,752 --> 00:14:09,407
Hugo, Alice, here we go.
Let's clear the floor,

209
00:14:09,607 --> 00:14:10,914
come on,
make an big open space.

210
00:14:11,114 --> 00:14:13,323
Don't worry, Alice,
it's just pretending.

211
00:14:15,103 --> 00:14:16,904
Now, Alice,
you're playing Mary.

212
00:14:17,104 --> 00:14:21,885
You're young, unmarried, a virgin
and you find out you're pregnant.

213
00:14:22,085 --> 00:14:25,259
That happened to my cousin Sally.
No, it didn't, Owen.

214
00:14:25,459 --> 00:14:29,537
She gave birth three times, but
she never ever had sex with a man.

215
00:14:30,297 --> 00:14:31,339
Except me.

216
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,366
And me.

217
00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,526
And me, if I'm honest.

218
00:14:38,001 --> 00:14:41,990
Now then, Alice, unmarried
and yet pregnant, all right? OK.

219
00:14:42,190 --> 00:14:44,259
That very day,
who comes home?

220
00:14:44,459 --> 00:14:47,602
Joseph, your fiance,
a humble carpenter.

221
00:14:48,503 --> 00:14:52,163
So, ooh, OK?
And centre and go.

222
00:14:54,618 --> 00:14:57,348
Knock, knock.
-Who is it?

223
00:14:58,223 --> 00:15:02,000
It's me, Joseph, your boyfriend,
a humble carpenter.

224
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:06,805
Oh, come on in, Joe.
Cup of tea? -Yes, please.

225
00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:10,010
Busy day?

226
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,603
Yes, I've been carpentering all day.

227
00:15:13,803 --> 00:15:15,008
Oh, good.

228
00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:18,481
And yourself?
Interesting day?

229
00:15:18,681 --> 00:15:20,464
Er...well, yes, actually.

230
00:15:20,664 --> 00:15:25,934
I spent the morning shopping.
Got you a lovely supper. What is it?

231
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:29,087
Loaves and fishes.

232
00:15:29,287 --> 00:15:31,620
A family recipe.

233
00:15:31,820 --> 00:15:34,037
Great. And this afternoon?

234
00:15:34,237 --> 00:15:38,040
I came home and the angel
of the Lord was waiting

235
00:15:38,324 --> 00:15:42,470
and made me with child
who shall be Lord of all mankind.

236
00:15:43,563 --> 00:15:46,259
-Oh, right.
Hummus? -Please.

237
00:15:46,543 --> 00:15:48,970
Sorry, sorry, sorry...
Can I just cut in there Hugo.

238
00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:51,596
You'd react a bit more than that,
wouldn't you? It's quite big news.

239
00:15:51,796 --> 00:15:57,246
OK, yes, sorry. Good point.
Absolutely, so centre and go.

240
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:04,743
A bit of a turn-up for the books,
Joe. I'm pregnant

241
00:16:04,943 --> 00:16:08,281
and God the maker of all mankind
is the father.

242
00:16:08,481 --> 00:16:12,702
Oh, oh.

243
00:16:12,902 --> 00:16:15,578
Actually, do you got
any taramasalata...?

244
00:16:15,778 --> 00:16:20,130
No, no, no! You're completely
useless. Sit down immediately!

245
00:16:20,330 --> 00:16:23,295
I'll be Joseph.
I'll show you how to do it.

246
00:16:24,906 --> 00:16:26,451
Hello, Mary!

247
00:16:26,651 --> 00:16:30,213
Hello, Joseph. Any news?
Yeah, I'm pregnant.

248
00:16:30,413 --> 00:16:34,672
Hang on a minute! You're telling me
you're pregnant? Yes.

249
00:16:34,872 --> 00:16:38,205
Well, who's the father, you little
scrubber. Come on, who is he!

250
00:16:38,912 --> 00:16:41,679
God almighty,
creator of all things.

251
00:16:41,879 --> 00:16:43,789
Yeah sure,
I've heard that story before!

252
00:16:43,989 --> 00:16:45,768
Come on!
WHO IS IT?!

253
00:16:46,968 --> 00:16:48,149
I don't know.

254
00:16:49,789 --> 00:16:55,348
I went to the loo and the angel
of the Lord was sitting on the loo.

255
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:59,590
Then he said, "You don't need
the loo. You're pregnant."

256
00:16:59,890 --> 00:17:02,011
Oh Mary, forgive me!

257
00:17:02,211 --> 00:17:04,395
Get away from me,
you bastard!

258
00:17:05,530 --> 00:17:06,278
What?

259
00:17:06,478 --> 00:17:10,040
How could you doubt me?
I never want to see you again.

260
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,938
I'm going to Bethlehem on me own.

261
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,422
And out of character. Well done!

262
00:17:20,182 --> 00:17:22,933
Whisky?
-O'Yes, please, lots.

263
00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:27,200
I'm whacked. It's exhausting,
all this directing.

264
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,945
No wonder
Stanley Kubrick died.

265
00:17:31,010 --> 00:17:32,427
Right.

266
00:17:33,514 --> 00:17:34,699
Right.

267
00:17:35,624 --> 00:17:40,491
Now, obviously, vicar,
I'm very happy to play Herod,

268
00:17:40,691 --> 00:17:44,797
but I did just wonder if we weren't
missing a trick with him -

269
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:50,000
a chance to make him more rounded,
perhaps, bring out his nicer side.

270
00:17:50,217 --> 00:17:52,957
The nicer side of Herod?
-Yes.

271
00:17:53,757 --> 00:17:56,838
Oh, I see, You mean like,
the playful side of Hitler?

272
00:17:57,713 --> 00:17:59,221
Exactly!

273
00:17:59,421 --> 00:18:03,727
I mean, there's Herod -
a cultured, sophisticated man,

274
00:18:03,927 --> 00:18:07,021
into music, into ancient art,

275
00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:11,418
and then he massacres
just one batch of babies

276
00:18:11,618 --> 00:18:13,640
and suddenly,
that's all people can remember.

277
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:18,957
It's not fair, is it..
So I have written a short singlet,

278
00:18:19,457 --> 00:18:24,407
nothing definitive, but perhaps
putting his side of things

279
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,000
a little more... Well, you know.

280
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,679
Right.

281
00:18:29,879 --> 00:18:35,585
"Herod strokes his adoring dog,
Cuddles, then turns to two soldiers.

282
00:18:35,785 --> 00:18:41,520
"'Take a batallion of men to Judea
and kiss all the babies there.'

283
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:44,924
"Soldier one: 'Did he say
kiss all the babies?'

284
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:52,013
"Soldier two, who is hard of hearing:
'No, I thought he said kill all the babies.'

285
00:18:52,213 --> 00:18:56,882
"Soldier one: 'Oh right, well,
let's go and massacre them then.'"

286
00:18:57,082 --> 00:19:00,451
It's an interpretation.
-NO, it's NOT.

287
00:19:00,651 --> 00:19:02,034
Naughty!

288
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:05,288
Come on, now, focus, focus.
Come on now...

289
00:19:05,488 --> 00:19:09,571
You're in the fields, tending your
sheep, before the angel appears.

290
00:19:09,771 --> 00:19:12,140
A bit of chatter. Make something up.

291
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:14,689
Right. Right.

292
00:19:16,597 --> 00:19:21,647
Fellow shepherds, did anyone
see Ground Force last night?

293
00:19:21,947 --> 00:19:25,656
No, no... Oh, yes,
that Charlie Dimmock!

294
00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:28,816
She can propagate
my seedlings any time.

295
00:19:29,695 --> 00:19:30,701
No, no.

296
00:19:30,901 --> 00:19:34,733
When she leans over it's like two
pumpkins rolling in a growbag!

297
00:19:35,933 --> 00:19:40,915
And lo, an angel of the Lord
appeared before them.

298
00:19:41,115 --> 00:19:43,450
Shall I prompt you for this bit?
As you'r playing the Angel..

299
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,844
OK, but I am a vicar -
I do actually know it

300
00:19:47,156 --> 00:19:48,893
Just in case. OK.

301
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:53,700
Be not afraid,
for I am an angel of the Lord

302
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:57,222
and I bring you glad tidings
of great joy.

303
00:19:57,422 --> 00:20:02,872
For tonight... No, no, no!
It's a dramatic pause, do you see?

304
00:20:03,072 --> 00:20:05,641
Well, it didn't look like a pause,
It looked like you'd forgotten it.

305
00:20:05,841 --> 00:20:08,560
For I am an angel of the Lord

306
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,511
and I bring you glad tidings
of great joy.

307
00:20:14,557 --> 00:20:17,917
For tonight...
-NO, THAT'S THE PAUSE!

308
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:18,860
I thought you were pausing,

309
00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:21,546
But you paused a bit longer
than you did in the first pause.

310
00:20:21,746 --> 00:20:26,249
I thought you'd forgotten it.
Allright, look, I'll start again.

311
00:20:26,449 --> 00:20:27,645
You three don't say anything.

312
00:20:27,845 --> 00:20:31,755
We won't say anything.
Not even our lines?

313
00:20:31,995 --> 00:20:34,099
Yes, your lines,
yes, your lines!

314
00:20:35,299 --> 00:20:39,886
You've got to have a prompt. Right,
Frank can prompt me, can't he?

315
00:20:40,086 --> 00:20:41,496
Yes. Thank you.

316
00:20:42,987 --> 00:20:44,957
She's not very angelic, is she?

317
00:20:47,438 --> 00:20:49,163
And lo,

318
00:20:49,363 --> 00:20:52,950
an angel of the Lord
appeared before them...

319
00:20:53,150 --> 00:20:56,723
Be not afraid...
-No, BE afraid!

320
00:20:58,471 --> 00:21:01,077
Be very afraid!

321
00:21:02,816 --> 00:21:04,154
Oh, yes.

322
00:21:04,354 --> 00:21:05,930
Oh, yes.

323
00:21:10,147 --> 00:21:12,275
Sorry to disturb you, vicar.

324
00:21:12,475 --> 00:21:16,099
No, that's absolutely fine.

325
00:21:16,299 --> 00:21:17,684
Oh!

326
00:21:17,884 --> 00:21:19,931
Yum! Yeah!

327
00:21:21,187 --> 00:21:26,585
The thing is, I'm a bit worried
about this giving birth business. Oh.

328
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:31,776
I watched a video of a birth last
night and it looked really horrible.

329
00:21:32,828 --> 00:21:36,172
I don't want my baby bursting
through my stomach like that.

330
00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:42,185
Was the video called
"Alien" by any chance?

331
00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,000
That's right.

332
00:21:44,677 --> 00:21:47,000
Right, right.

333
00:21:47,388 --> 00:21:52,734
Also, I've heard that mothers-to-be
should avoid unnecessary strain.

334
00:21:52,934 --> 00:21:55,197
So I been thinking,
maybe I shouldn't be -

335
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:58,774
acting in the play after all,
cos it is pretty stressful.

336
00:21:59,549 --> 00:22:04,378
Oh, Alice, I'm sorry, but you've
only got one line, haven't you?

337
00:22:04,578 --> 00:22:07,895
"But I am great with child."
Just these six words..

338
00:22:08,095 --> 00:22:14,138
I'm worried I'm going to forget them
and the worry might cause me damage.

339
00:22:14,338 --> 00:22:16,610
I see your point,
but on the other hand,

340
00:22:16,810 --> 00:22:22,233
if you leave me high and dry,
this fist will cause you damage

341
00:22:22,433 --> 00:22:26,731
in the face department -
obviously, the choice is yours.

342
00:22:29,089 --> 00:22:34,238
I think it will be OK.
Yeah, I think so, I really do.

343
00:22:34,438 --> 00:22:36,490
Ah-ah-ah!
No, sorry!

344
00:22:36,690 --> 00:22:41,710
Can you sod off now please?
I'd like to be alone with Sean Bean.

345
00:22:42,325 --> 00:22:44,201
Isn't he lovely!

346
00:22:44,401 --> 00:22:46,897
Ooh, you've nicked my cake!

347
00:22:48,159 --> 00:22:52,549
Right, well, thank you everyone
for an excellent day's rehearsal

348
00:22:52,749 --> 00:22:54,604
after a slightly shaky start.

349
00:22:55,296 --> 00:22:57,655
Right, the poster,
what do you think?

350
00:22:57,855 --> 00:23:00,453
I don't know about that!
What?

351
00:23:00,653 --> 00:23:04,208
Well, I just don't think
it IS the greatest story ever told.

352
00:23:05,474 --> 00:23:08,674
I mean there's that great story about
the people who's house were burgled

353
00:23:08,874 --> 00:23:10,719
who thought the robbers
hadn't taken anything.

354
00:23:10,919 --> 00:23:14,068
And then they developed
their photographs a month later

355
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:18,054
and found photos of the robbers
with toothbrushes up their bottoms.

356
00:23:20,382 --> 00:23:24,049
So you think I should write "the
second greatest story ever told"?

357
00:23:24,249 --> 00:23:26,921
Yes. There is that fantastic story
about the woman,

358
00:23:27,121 --> 00:23:30,204
who's husband that got out of a car and
she heard this banging on the roof.

359
00:23:30,404 --> 00:23:34,635
And the police said, "Get out and don't
look round." But she did look round

360
00:23:34,835 --> 00:23:39,626
and it was a lunatic banging her
husband's severed head on the roof.

361
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:45,559
Perhaps I should just write "one
of the top ten stories ever told".

362
00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:49,867
That's forgetting Jackie Collins'
stories - The Bitch, The Stud.

363
00:23:50,067 --> 00:23:54,000
And Beatrix Potter, of course -
she wrote lovely stories.

364
00:23:54,270 --> 00:23:56,551
And Newsroom South East's
have some excellent local stories.

365
00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,921
Right, right, sorry,
can we stop right there?

366
00:24:01,009 --> 00:24:05,491
Can I please just remind you all
a little bit of the story we're telling here?

367
00:24:05,691 --> 00:24:12,042
2,000 years ago, a baby is born in
a stable, the poorest of the poor.

368
00:24:12,242 --> 00:24:17,495
Yet during his lifetime, he says
things that are so astonishing,

369
00:24:17,695 --> 00:24:21,589
that millions of people are still
living their lives by them today.

370
00:24:21,789 --> 00:24:24,089
He said,
"Love thy neighbour."

371
00:24:24,289 --> 00:24:29,410
He told us to turn the other cheek,
whatever people might do to us.

372
00:24:30,294 --> 00:24:33,183
Does that include Simon
bonking you like a beachball?

373
00:24:35,292 --> 00:24:37,289
Yes, it does, Owen.

374
00:24:37,489 --> 00:24:39,365
Sadly, it does.

375
00:24:40,842 --> 00:24:42,531
But most astonishingly,

376
00:24:43,442 --> 00:24:46,362
I believe
that this tiny, little baby boy

377
00:24:46,562 --> 00:24:49,162
actually was the son of God.

378
00:24:49,562 --> 00:24:55,028
And when he was younger than I am
today, he was brutally crucified

379
00:24:55,228 --> 00:24:57,864
for simply telling people
to love each other.

380
00:24:58,264 --> 00:25:04,469
The men who did it thought, "He's
dead and gone." Yet here we are,

381
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:07,491
2,000 years later,

382
00:25:07,691 --> 00:25:11,051
in a village
in the middle of England

383
00:25:11,251 --> 00:25:15,010
doing a play about his birth.

384
00:25:15,896 --> 00:25:18,931
Now, I think that's
a pretty great story.

385
00:25:19,131 --> 00:25:20,623
Yes.

386
00:25:22,104 --> 00:25:25,173
Yes, all right, it's a good poster.
Leave it as it is.

387
00:25:26,624 --> 00:25:31,137
Thank you, although I do admit, the one
about the toothbrush is pretty gripping.

388
00:25:31,237 --> 00:25:32,603
Perhaps we can do it next year.

389
00:25:32,803 --> 00:25:34,215
Frank can play the toothbrush.

390
00:25:34,615 --> 00:25:35,953
Yes, please.

391
00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:48,946
Ooh,
ooh, ooh!

392
00:25:49,246 --> 00:25:50,733
Ooh.

393
00:25:57,568 --> 00:25:59,801
Right, it's time to get going.

394
00:26:00,001 --> 00:26:02,343
Break a leg everybody,
and dont forget,

395
00:26:02,543 --> 00:26:04,942
if you feel like improvising,
just go for it.

396
00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:08,010
Ooh!

397
00:26:08,210 --> 00:26:10,429
Oh, I think it's started.

398
00:26:10,629 --> 00:26:15,000
Exactly like that. She's very good
at it. Well done, Alice.

399
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:17,097
All right, everyone, give 'em hell!

400
00:26:17,297 --> 00:26:22,233
Actually, no, give them
a quite heavenly evening, please.

401
00:26:22,433 --> 00:26:26,823
And Jim, I'm sorry,
I think this beard is far too long.

402
00:26:27,023 --> 00:26:29,265
Oh, no, no...

403
00:26:29,465 --> 00:26:31,578
Yes, you could be right.

404
00:26:33,696 --> 00:26:34,973
Hello, everybody.

405
00:26:35,173 --> 00:26:39,336
Hi.
Welcome to the farmyard Nativity.

406
00:26:39,536 --> 00:26:43,648
I hope you all enjoy watching it
as much as we enjoyed rehearsing it.

407
00:26:45,230 --> 00:26:48,841
We haven't charged anybody
anything to come in,

408
00:26:49,041 --> 00:26:52,814
so at the end there will
be two angels at the gate.

409
00:26:53,014 --> 00:26:55,883
And all donations
will be welcome, thank you.

410
00:26:57,147 --> 00:26:58,466
Here we go...

411
00:26:58,666 --> 00:27:03,478
I'd just like to say I'll be
slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow.

412
00:27:03,678 --> 00:27:07,043
So order your Christmas beef
after the show.

413
00:27:08,572 --> 00:27:10,824
Right, thank you very much, Owen.

414
00:27:11,987 --> 00:27:16,934
And it came to pass that there was
a decree from Caesar Augustus

415
00:27:17,134 --> 00:27:19,544
that all the world should be taxed.

416
00:27:19,744 --> 00:27:24,899
And Joseph went to Bethlehem
with Mary, his espoused wife,

417
00:27:25,099 --> 00:27:30,197
who was great with child
and riding upon a donkey.

418
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,982
But the donkey did run away

419
00:27:38,182 --> 00:27:41,673
during rehearsals this afternoon,
so in the end

420
00:27:41,873 --> 00:27:45,955
she actually turned up
on a small motorised lawnmower.

421
00:27:49,688 --> 00:27:55,000
And so Mary and Joseph
came unto an inn in Bethlehem

422
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:58,151
and knocked upon the door.

423
00:28:00,912 --> 00:28:03,958
Innkeeper, have you a room
where we may rest?

424
00:28:04,358 --> 00:28:07,465
No, no, no.

425
00:28:07,665 --> 00:28:10,519
No, no, no. No room in the inn.

426
00:28:10,719 --> 00:28:13,950
We're fully booked
because of the millennium.

427
00:28:16,540 --> 00:28:19,074
(But I am great with child.)

428
00:28:19,974 --> 00:28:24,331
Also I am great with child,
so it's particularly awkward.

429
00:28:25,014 --> 00:28:27,326
(You, you.)

430
00:28:28,183 --> 00:28:30,178
Oh, sorry!

431
00:28:30,378 --> 00:28:34,177
But also I am great with child.

432
00:28:35,048 --> 00:28:37,629
Oh, I forgot it!

433
00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:40,834
(In that case,
I have a stable you can use.)

434
00:28:41,134 --> 00:28:45,723
In that case, the vicar has a stable
you can use.

435
00:28:46,598 --> 00:28:52,442
So Mary and Joseph went into the
stable the innkeeper kindly offered,

436
00:28:52,642 --> 00:28:58,205
there to make preparations
for the birth of the Holy child.

437
00:29:03,258 --> 00:29:05,647
Oh, I can feel it coming!

438
00:29:05,847 --> 00:29:07,848
Oh, That's good.
-No, I really can.

439
00:29:08,348 --> 00:29:09,708
Oh!

440
00:29:11,546 --> 00:29:16,800
She was good, wasn't she? Very
convincing. I was good, wasn't I?

441
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:18,282
No. No.

442
00:29:20,533 --> 00:29:23,629
And at that time in Jerusalem

443
00:29:23,829 --> 00:29:28,733
Herod had heard of the impending
birth of the king of the Jews

444
00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:35,383
and he was sore troubled, for Herod
was a cruel and jealous king.

445
00:29:35,909 --> 00:29:40,713
Soldiers go forth unto Bethlehem
and kill all the infants there,

446
00:29:40,913 --> 00:29:44,112
for I shall have no other king
but me.

447
00:29:45,546 --> 00:29:46,552
And so...
-But...

448
00:29:46,752 --> 00:29:50,688
kill them gently...

449
00:29:51,437 --> 00:29:55,855
for I am not as cruel and jealous
as some would have me be.

450
00:29:56,808 --> 00:29:58,575
And so...
-In fact...

451
00:29:58,775 --> 00:30:04,492
I really love children,
indeed I see some in my court

452
00:30:04,692 --> 00:30:10,544
and would give them many gifts
of sweets and chocolates - for you.

453
00:30:10,744 --> 00:30:13,894
Thank you, Herod.
And for you. Thank you, Herod.

454
00:30:14,094 --> 00:30:17,531
And for you.
-I love you, Herod.

455
00:30:19,907 --> 00:30:25,629
And meanwhile in the fields, some
shepherds were tending their flock.

456
00:30:28,775 --> 00:30:30,391
Improvise.

457
00:30:32,281 --> 00:30:35,726
See that ewe over there?
She's pretty.

458
00:30:35,926 --> 00:30:39,263
No, no, no.
Yes, I wouldn't mind giving her one.

459
00:30:39,463 --> 00:30:43,758
And lo, an angel of the Lord
appeared before them

460
00:30:43,958 --> 00:30:45,945
and they were sore afraid.

461
00:30:52,252 --> 00:30:57,536
Be not afraid,
for I am an angel of the Lord

462
00:30:57,736 --> 00:31:01,821
and I bring you tidings
of great joy.

463
00:31:04,897 --> 00:31:06,259
For tonight, in the...

464
00:31:06,459 --> 00:31:09,527
I know, you pillock!

465
00:31:10,302 --> 00:31:12,046
Sorry, sorry.

466
00:31:14,461 --> 00:31:16,138
Great joy.

467
00:31:20,215 --> 00:31:22,034
Wow, you're good!

468
00:31:22,834 --> 00:31:26,367
Oh! I mean, this is a
Judi Dench-type quality performance.

469
00:31:27,693 --> 00:31:33,056
And so it was that the three wise
men who looked like the shepherds,

470
00:31:33,256 --> 00:31:37,078
but who were completely different
people, approached the stable

471
00:31:37,278 --> 00:31:41,846
riding camels, or doing very good
camel-riding impressions.

472
00:31:44,523 --> 00:31:47,165
And as they came unto the manger,

473
00:31:47,365 --> 00:31:53,152
they saw Mary who was great with
child and looking rather hot.

474
00:31:54,047 --> 00:31:55,528
Aagh!

475
00:31:57,161 --> 00:31:59,540
And in the company
of only some cattle

476
00:31:59,740 --> 00:32:02,617
and her husband, Joseph.

477
00:32:02,817 --> 00:32:04,000
Oh, my God!

478
00:32:09,172 --> 00:32:10,402
Oh!

479
00:32:12,057 --> 00:32:13,883
Jesus, she's having a baby!

480
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:18,043
The line is,
"Look, she's having a baby Jesus."

481
00:32:18,243 --> 00:32:22,284
No, she really IS having a baby.
Have a look!

482
00:32:23,541 --> 00:32:26,074
Oh! Ugh!

483
00:32:29,276 --> 00:32:30,507
Vicar!

484
00:32:30,707 --> 00:32:33,465
Excuse me one second. Thank you.

485
00:32:35,251 --> 00:32:38,544
What are you doing?! We've got them
in the palm of our hands.

486
00:32:38,744 --> 00:32:41,818
Aagh! Oh, my God!

487
00:32:42,018 --> 00:32:44,952
Oh, my God!
We must have some towels.

488
00:32:45,152 --> 00:32:49,337
Owen, run and get some towels.
I haven't got any. No towels?

489
00:32:49,537 --> 00:32:53,865
Why would I? To dry yourself
after a bath. I don't have a bath.

490
00:32:55,346 --> 00:33:00,061
Would anyone here have some towels?
You could use these?

491
00:33:00,261 --> 00:33:03,666
My entire costume is made of towels.

492
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:07,818
No, no, no!

493
00:33:08,137 --> 00:33:11,308
Will you excuse us for a moment.
Is there a doctor in the house?

494
00:33:11,508 --> 00:33:14,322
-I'm a vet. You'll do,
Could you come and help?

495
00:33:14,683 --> 00:33:16,057
Over my dead body.

496
00:33:16,957 --> 00:33:21,310
I'm not having grandchild of mine,
brought into the world by James Heriot.

497
00:33:22,199 --> 00:33:24,428
Come on,
It's common sense, surely!

498
00:33:24,551 --> 00:33:25,569
Oh, dear!

499
00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:30,127
Are you sure it's a good idea
having Herod take care of Jesus?

500
00:33:30,327 --> 00:33:34,170
He's not Herod now.
He's Mr Horton.

501
00:33:34,370 --> 00:33:36,386
Oh, yes!

502
00:33:37,129 --> 00:33:40,279
Come on little one,
push, push!

503
00:33:40,479 --> 00:33:42,387
Oh Geraldine,
give us a hand.

504
00:33:45,654 --> 00:33:47,135
All right Alice,
Breathe.

505
00:33:47,488 --> 00:33:49,789
Oh, It hurts!
Does it..

506
00:33:49,989 --> 00:33:53,091
Next time you get a contraction,
you just hang on to my hand,

507
00:33:53,291 --> 00:33:55,642
really tight,
grip it as tight as you like.

508
00:33:55,842 --> 00:33:56,762
It's coming!

509
00:33:56,962 --> 00:34:00,129
OK. Here it comes!

510
00:34:00,329 --> 00:34:01,909
OK. Here it comes!

511
00:34:02,109 --> 00:34:04,059
Aagh! Yeaow!

512
00:34:04,259 --> 00:34:06,531
Ya bitch! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

513
00:34:06,731 --> 00:34:09,183
Oh, oh, oh!

514
00:34:10,518 --> 00:34:11,736
Thank you.

515
00:34:11,936 --> 00:34:14,133
Oh, my God,
here comes another one!

516
00:34:14,333 --> 00:34:18,142
Please!
Allright.. all together..

517
00:34:23,254 --> 00:34:28,179
Is'nt it something we can do to help?
After all, we are the three wise men.

518
00:34:28,379 --> 00:34:32,683
No, no, no, we are the kings.
Oh, right!

519
00:34:32,883 --> 00:34:35,837
Most kings are brain-dead,
inbred cretins.

520
00:34:37,855 --> 00:34:40,885
Deep breathing.
Deeper, deeper.

521
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,271
Oh! -Good.
Oh!

522
00:34:43,471 --> 00:34:44,824
Oh! Here's Hugo.

523
00:34:45,024 --> 00:34:47,455
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!

524
00:34:47,655 --> 00:34:52,160
There we are, just one more push.
Oh, my God, I can see the head!

525
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:53,863
God, I hope that is a head!

526
00:34:55,662 --> 00:34:58,165
It's very realistic,
isn't it?

527
00:34:59,047 --> 00:35:01,869
It's coming.
It's coming.

528
00:35:02,288 --> 00:35:03,414
Aagh!

529
00:35:19,767 --> 00:35:22,204
And there, in a stable,

530
00:35:22,404 --> 00:35:24,883
2,000 years ago,

531
00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:28,622
God himself took part
in the miracle of birth

532
00:35:28,822 --> 00:35:31,457
and Mary held in her arms

533
00:35:31,657 --> 00:35:36,819
a very special
and very realistic child.

534
00:35:38,809 --> 00:35:40,338
Brillo pads!

535
00:35:41,694 --> 00:35:43,155
Most excellent.

536
00:35:43,355 --> 00:35:46,789
One, two...
One, two, three...

537
00:35:47,171 --> 00:35:48,350
four.

538
00:35:48,550 --> 00:35:52,727
 Silent night

539
00:35:52,929 --> 00:35:57,670
 Holy night... 
Ssh!

540
00:35:57,870 --> 00:36:01,858
All is calm

541
00:36:02,058 --> 00:36:06,684
 All is bright

542
00:36:06,884 --> 00:36:15,666
 Round yon virgin mother
and child...

543
00:36:15,866 --> 00:36:25,286
 Holy infant so tender and mild

544
00:36:25,486 --> 00:36:35,160
 Sleep in heavenly peace

545
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:44,553
 Sleep in heavenly peace.

546
00:36:44,953 --> 00:36:48,507
Merry Christmas to you all.

547
00:36:50,295 --> 00:36:56,271
Well.... She really is
the most beautiful baby.

548
00:36:56,471 --> 00:37:01,646
Thank you. Could I just check
something with you, vicar? Mmm.

549
00:37:01,846 --> 00:37:04,978
Have I actually given birth
to the son of God?

550
00:37:05,478 --> 00:37:09,005
Because I find it
a bit of a responsibility.

551
00:37:09,805 --> 00:37:13,350
No, Alice, you haven't.
-Oh, phew!

552
00:37:14,128 --> 00:37:17,060
Apart from anything,
she's a girl, isn't she?

553
00:37:18,460 --> 00:37:21,349
So she is. Good clue.

554
00:37:21,807 --> 00:37:26,593
Have you thought of any names?
Yeah. Go on, Alice.

555
00:37:26,993 --> 00:37:30,563
Well, we've thought about it
long and hard

556
00:37:30,763 --> 00:37:33,876
and we'd like to name her after you.

557
00:37:34,076 --> 00:37:36,335
Oh, guys!

558
00:37:36,535 --> 00:37:38,573
Oh, I don't know what to say!

559
00:37:38,773 --> 00:37:40,749
So I'm calling her "Vicar".

560
00:37:44,637 --> 00:37:47,085
Or...
Geraldine.

561
00:37:48,569 --> 00:37:50,236
Geraldine!

562
00:37:50,436 --> 00:37:52,800
Oh,
even better!

563
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:54,245
Splendid-o!

564
00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:57,352
Yes...
Geraldine.

565
00:37:57,552 --> 00:37:58,642
Good choice.

566
00:37:58,842 --> 00:38:00,833
Excellent choice.

567
00:38:31,990 --> 00:38:34,579
A little Christmas gagette for you.
Great.

568
00:38:34,779 --> 00:38:38,869
Santa Claus goes to the doctor.
Oh, dear!

569
00:38:39,069 --> 00:38:44,340
He says, "Doctor, I think I've got
a mince pie stuck up my bottom."

570
00:38:46,117 --> 00:38:48,533
I wonder how that got there!
-Don't go there, okay!

571
00:38:48,733 --> 00:38:52,427
So the doctor says,
"OK, Mr Claus, bend over, please.

572
00:38:52,627 --> 00:38:56,837
"Oh, yes, you do have
a mince pie stuck up your bottom,

573
00:38:57,037 --> 00:38:59,922
"but you're in luck -
I've got some cream for that."

574
00:39:04,169 --> 00:39:06,341
You see?
Cream for the mince pie.

575
00:39:07,613 --> 00:39:12,329
You mean he's going to take it out
and eat it? No... It's not hygienic.

576
00:39:12,529 --> 00:39:14,769
No, he isn't because it's a joke.

577
00:39:14,969 --> 00:39:18,083
What got into Doctors these days -
what are they going to do next?

578
00:39:18,283 --> 00:39:22,146
Take out your appendix
and have it with bacon and egg?

579
00:39:22,346 --> 00:39:25,748
Just leaving planet Earth.
Take out your tonsils...

580
00:39:25,948 --> 00:39:28,813
Jesus Christ was born
on Christmas day... 

581
00:39:29,013 --> 00:39:32,376
 To save us all from Satan's power.
-That's you.

582
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:40,117
I'm not eating it, no way.
Not if it's been up Santa's arse.

583
00:39:42,243 --> 00:39:44,247
I'm sticking to brandy snaps.

584
00:39:44,297 --> 00:39:48,847
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